A different kind of pain
by Loren-Mac
Summary: This is a Louise and Smithy thing.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they belong to Thames television. The speech between the characters at the beginning is directly from the show.

_**Before I let you go**_

_**Give me just one more night to show you just how I feel**_

_**I lost all my control**_

_**If it takes my whole damn life I'll make this up to you**_

_**Kind of like the waves**_

_**That roll their whole life towards somewhere crashing on the shore**_

_**It's blown in by the wind that carries the clouds to**_

**_Hide my wish on a fallen star_**

The words looked like they hurt him, as if they were painful to say. So why did he say them? "I think we should end it." The words cut through her like none had ever done before. She desperately tried to remain in control but she couldn't, everything before her swam in a tear of awaiting tears. She fought them back; she was determined not to cry. Not then. Maybe not ever.

"Why?" was about all she could muster the strength to say.

"Because more people are going to get hurt." _Hurt?_ She wondered, _what did he know about hurt? _Was breaking up with her not causing them both unnecessary hurt? Whatever he did he could not hide the fact that he was hurting just as much as she was- which led her to wonder why they both had to go through it. She could see the pain he was in. It was in the way he moved, the way his eyes were filled with utter sadness.

"So you're scared." She decided.

"I deal with people like him every day." He shook his head, "I'm not scared."

"Yeah you are. You're scared of how you feel; you're scared that it's too good to be true." That's what she wanted to believe. If she believed that then it wasn't as difficult somehow. It just meant that he did want to be with her, but he was afraid to be. That was better than believing he didn't love her as much as she did him.

"Yeah well…" he started and moved his head around as if trying to dispel thoughts. "It is." It wasn't. Not what she could see, anyway. She was married, that was all that stood in her way. She loved him; he loved her, how could that ever be too good to be true? Because it was true. Again she fought off the urge to cry.

"If you want to end it, fine. I can't make you love me." She couldn't. As much as she wanted to, there was nothing she could do to change his mind and make him stay with her. Though she knew he loved her, the words slipped out. Emotional blackmail.

He stepped closer to her, and pulled his head up to look at her, choking on the words. "But I do love you." She looked at him, not sure what to say or do. He'd said the three great words but they didn't make it easier like she had expected. "That's what's making this even harder." Guilt spread through her then. It was her fault that he was feeling the way he was. She wanted to take it all back and make it all okay. He was the one who looked on the verge of tears now. He swallowed, sniffed, and then looked at her. "I'm really sorry."

He turned away and got into his car. She could see the pain even more then, as he sat in his car before he drove away.

_**A different kind of pain**_

_**Is someone there to hold you?**_

_**Is someone there to take you away from me?**_

_**A different kind of pain**_

_**Is someone there to hold you?**_

_**Is someone there to take you away from me?**_

She couldn't help but wonder if there was someone else, as she sat in the car park, alone and stranded. Maybe Peter was just an excuse. As she had said to him before, he had known about Peter before, so why was it different now? Why did things always have to go wrong?

She didn't love Peter, not like she did Smithy. With Smithy things had been exciting, passionate and most importantly, it had all been about love. Straight off they hadn't loved each other, but it was instant attraction. Something between them ignited the moment their eyes met and neither of them could deny it. And so their affair began. She had wanted him like she had never wanted someone before. She liked to think he wanted her too.

The thought of him being with someone else chilled her to the bone. But it was possible. Anything that was possible could happen with how her life was right now. Every bad thing she could think of came true. Everything hurt.

She looked around her car, everything she had was because of Peter, but if she could just give it all back and have Smithy instead then she would have done. She loved him, more than anyone would ever know.

_**I tried to let you go**_

_**I wish I could turn back time**_

_**And show you just how I feel**_

_**I needed you to know**_

_**If it takes my whole damn life**_

_**I'll make this up to you**_

_**Kind of like the waves**_

_**That roll their whole life towards somewhere**_

_**Crashing on the shore**_

_**It's blown in by the wind**_

_**That carries the clouds to hide**_

_**My wish on a fallen star...**_

Whatever she did she couldn't forget him, couldn't erase him from her memory. She didn't want to. She wanted to make everything easy. She wanted for herself and Smithy to stop hurting, and for there to be some way that they could be together.

Because, that's all she wanted- to be with him. If she was with him then everything was okay. He wasn't just someone she was having an affair with. He was the one that she was meant to be with, not her husband. He was the one who really cared about her, the one who loved her for who she was. Except… he didn't, did he? For a while he loved her despite her husband, and now they had split up because of him. Nothing made any sense anymore.

_**A different kind of pain**_

_**Is someone there that will hold you?**_

_**Is someone there that will take you away from me?**_

_**A different kind of pain**_

_**Is someone there that will hold you?**_

_**Is someone there that will take you away from me?**_

She wanted to know if he was alone, if he was hurting. Maybe he was crying? Maybe he was just getting on as always, having a laugh, enjoying himself in the way that she felt she'd never be able to do again.

Was someone with him? Were they wiping away his tears like she should be or were they joining in with the laughter he was emitting? Was he hurt, angry… scared even? Or was he happy like she could imagine him being? It wasn't that he was cruel in being happy at such a time. She just wanted him to be happy. And yet she'd like to think he was sad also, that he was missing her already like she was him.

Thinking that he was happy somewhere just wasn't the option. Sure, she wanted him to be happy, but not now. Not when she was hurting.

She stepped out of the car and leaned against the boot, the blade catching the moonlight filtering in from outside. She'd waited for hours. He'd not come back, not called to say he made a mistake. He was happy. Happy without her.

"I love you Dale," she whispered. "I didn't want it to end up this way."

She swallowed back a handful of pills and sliced into her flesh, a thin line of red emerging. Dropping to her knees she whispered her final words.

"It hurts, Dale. Why aren't you here?"

_**A different kind of pain, it's a different kind of pain...**_


End file.
